lighter
Once you have your supplies, follow these steps:
- remove the outer casing of your computer
- attach the sack of bees to a spot near the CPU
- coat the CPU liberally with white honey
- release the bees and slam the casing back into place as quickly as you can
- now spin rapidly in the middle of the room until you are so dizzy you almost vomit (wear full head and elbow protection)
- sit down and turn the computer on. Be sure to use your tongue
- once the c:\ prompt appears, begin smashing your head rhythmically into the keyboard
- when Microsoft Windows starts up, slice open your index finger and draw an icon on the screen in your blood
- pick up your mouse and say into it, in a calm clear voice, 'Select red icon" (if your blood is not red, discontinue; see a doctor)
-a hidden subprogram will launch-
- nothing will appear on your screen, but the buzzing of the bees will intensify
- press your forehead against the monitor and hold it there
- stick your finger or, better yet, your hand inside the casing and pull the sack open in a swift, jerky manner
- let the bees sting you until you see Jesus
- tell Jesus to engage maximum diddlage protocol
-artificial diddling will engage.-
- depending on your physiology, any one diddling session can last from 5 to 15 seconds.
- after this, you will have to repeat the procedure to rettain the artifiical diddlage effect
Shortcut
(NOTE: this method should only be used by expert level artificial diddlers)
- douse your computer in a mixture consisting of equal portions of high octane gasoline, vodka, and ram's blood
- set it on fire; we recommend zippo lighters
- hold your hand over the fire until you see Jesus
- proceed as above
Notice: Attaining maximum diddlage is not for the faint of heart. Diddle at your own risk.
Take me back to the PACKET DIDDLER Home Page