You must study the way of BUZZ JACKSON if you are ever to be adjudged worthy to uncover the hidden link which will convey you to instructions on how to obtain a real, functioning PACKET DIDDLER. Once you have uncovered the hidden link, this page will appear much different than it does now. Before anything, you must understand completely why you want the IT PACKET DIDDLER.

For your convenience, and to tide you over so that you do not break down and purchase the Dimfox DID*LER and suffer the inevitable massive headwound , we have included instructions on how to approximate the effect of the PACKET DIDDLER.

Gather together these supplies

  • computer
  • small sack of 50-100 bees (25 for laptops)
  • razor blade
  • white honey
  • Windows
  • head and elbow protection
  • mouse


  • ram's blood
  • high octane gasoline
  • vodka
  • lighter

    Once you have your supplies, follow these steps:

    1. remove the outer casing of your computer
    2. attach the sack of bees to a spot near the CPU
    3. coat the CPU liberally with white honey
    4. release the bees and slam the casing back into place as quickly as you can
    5. now spin rapidly in the middle of the room until you are so dizzy you almost vomit (wear full head and elbow protection)
    6. sit down and turn the computer on. Be sure to use your tongue
    7. once the c:\ prompt appears, begin smashing your head rhythmically into the keyboard
    8. when Microsoft Windows starts up, slice open your index finger and draw an icon on the screen in your blood
    9. pick up your mouse and say into it, in a calm clear voice, 'Select red icon" (if your blood is not red, discontinue; see a doctor)

      -a hidden subprogram will launch-

    10. nothing will appear on your screen, but the buzzing of the bees will intensify
    11. press your forehead against the monitor and hold it there
    12. stick your finger or, better yet, your hand inside the casing and pull the sack open in a swift, jerky manner
    13. let the bees sting you until you see Jesus
    14. tell Jesus to engage maximum diddlage protocol

      -artificial diddling will engage.-

    15. depending on your physiology, any one diddling session can last from 5 to 15 seconds.
    16. after this, you will have to repeat the procedure to rettain the artifiical diddlage effect

    Shortcut (NOTE: this method should only be used by expert level artificial diddlers)

    1. douse your computer in a mixture consisting of equal portions of high octane gasoline, vodka, and ram's blood
    2. set it on fire; we recommend zippo lighters
    3. hold your hand over the fire until you see Jesus
    4. proceed as above

    Notice: Attaining maximum diddlage is not for the faint of heart. Diddle at your own risk.

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