The Anti-Diddler Cometh
The servants of darkness have lately begun to market a version of the DIDDLER which cannot in
truth be named DIDDLER. It masquerades as a DIDDLER but is not: it is the anti DIDDLER . We dub it:
Where the DIDDLER is a brainwave to binary interface module which incorporates a flying insect based
electric tranference vehicle and hydroponic modulators, the DID*ler is just a box of fruit flies with a
bug zapper on the bottom and a modified marijuana tray on top.
Besides being useless; it has been
specially programmed to ruin your life in ways that we cannot describe or even understand:
testimonials and extracts from the print media will have to suffice. Interpret them as you will...
IF YOU DARE:
- A utensil salesman from Nowhere, North Dakota bemoans:
- "I was sitting alone on my kitchen floor one day when a face appeared in a grease stsain and said 'Buy a
Dimfox Did*ler'; I didn't know what it was at the time and I don't own a computer but how could I disobey?
I got in my car and started driving...Well, I had only gone a few blocks when I ran over a small flaxen
haired child. If that wasn't bad enough,she carrying a box of newborn kittens. And puppies.
It wasn't pretty - damn that DID*LER"
- A goatherd from West Nowhere Saskatchewan howls:
- "I was cruisin' downtown sput, eh? And then I fall down this set of stairs, and this salesman guy was there,
and he sold me this DIMFOX DID*LER thing for, like, twenty bucks. It was ssuch a deal! I didn't even
notice how he went 'clip clop' when he walked, kind of like a goat. A big talking goat. Or maybe a
talking cow. I was pretty drunk. I forget what happened next.
- A zipper technician from Spokane, Washington testifies
- The Dimfox Diddler did not meet my diddling needs. The wires were all mismatched, I had to get several
parts from Radio Shack before I could even begin to set it up, and then while I was setting it up it
exploded in my face. There wasn't enough of my face left to reconstruct, so the plastc surgions had to cut
off my foot and reassemble it into a face so they could sew it on where my old face had been. It was a slight
improvement, but I don't want to have to go to that much trouble again. Whatever happened to quality,
- A beekeeper from an unidentified location wails:
- "The DIMFOX DID*LER! It is.... wicked thing. It is devil thing. I spit on Did*ler. I am very much liking Mr.
Jackson's POCKET DIDDLER. Is good for computer, yes?"
- A fish gutter in Switzerland declares
- Early in the fall of 1995, my husband bought a DIMFOX DID*LER for his Pentium. At first I didn't mind,
but then I noticed the children started staying out late, talking to strangers, and generally carrying on.
No amount of locking them in the toolshed seems to do any good. I just know
it is that Dimfox Diddler, but my husband won't let me get rid of it. And if I get rid of it myself, I'm afraid he'll
sacrifice me to one of his horned gods.
Extracts on the DID*LER
- The Journal of Intensely Cool Stuff, January 1996
- DIMFOX has a new product out: it is touted as an interface between the human mind and the CPU of a
computer. It SUCKS!
- Sudden Horrible Death Magazine, November 1995.
- On October 9, 1995, Wang Chung sat down for a relaxing evening of cruising the Internet. No sooner had
he turned his computer on, however, than his head exploded in a shower of purple head goo. On October
11, one Jane MacLean in her room 500 miles away, was attempting to install Windows 95 on her
286 when her head suddenly Wang Chunged.
A disturbing pattern has begun to become apparent acrosss America: spontaneous head explosons. Sudden
Horrible Death Magazine has studied 17 confirmed instances of the phenomenon, and has found that the one
commonality in all cases is the presence of a new product from Dimfox: the Dimfox DID*LER, whose
packaging describes the product as a brainwave enhancer...
- Kaboom! Adventures in Suicide Magazine, December 1995
- MS Windows got you down? We got the cure. The Did*ler from Dimfox is going to make a really big splash
on the market... and the upholstery. It'll blow you away!
- Reciting Statistics Magazine, December 1995
- Eighty three percent of our readers will agree that 79% of the time, 19 times out of 20, in the seven to eight
hours after having 1.5 thoughts about purchasing a Dimfox Diddler, the subject in question will
suffer massive head trauma resulting in the pulverisation of - on average - 97% of the cerebral cortex, and the
shattering of the skull into, all other things being equal, 765 pieces, each of which will reach a maximum speed of
100 metres per second. In a 14 X 14 foot room, that amounts to complete wall coverage to a depth of 2mm
furniture excepted. Humidity is a factor.
- The Wealthy Geek
- ... heads ... the Dimfox Diddler ... explosion...
Oh may BUZZ protect me from the DID*LER: I want a PACKET DIDDLER!
I'd like to see a picture of what might happen to me if I buy the DID*LER!
Tell me the story of BUZZ JACKSON | Enough! Let me hear your sales pitch
Take me back to the PACKET DIDDLER Home Page